Dear Dr. Allen: Familes make a difference
Dear Dr. Allen
Families make a difference
What does the expression ‘make a difference’ mean?
I think it’s how we treat people. How much good we do. How much positive change we cause in other people’s lives, in our communities/cities.
How can our lives empower our kids to live a life that ‘makes a difference’ in their lives and the lives of others?
It’s hard for kids to live a life that is different from the cultural messages of ‘us only’.
It’s difficult for kids to not focus on beauty or lack thereof? It’s difficult for kids to not be obsessed with their social media presence or how many ‘likes’ or followers they have. Youth are desperate for honesty and authenticity, which is very absent in today’s culture.
What is a healthier focus to have?
How about what kind of person we/they are? How about an old-fashioned word — character?
What are we talking about when we say “good character?”
It’s these traits; honest, trustworthy, reliable, consistent, dependable, caring, loving, helpful, integrity, accountable, responsible.
All these are obtainable. I’m not suggesting we are trying to be perfect. We must accept we will never achieve perfection in this lifetime. So if our kids fall short, it’s ok, don’t freak out, you aren’t perfect either. And your role is not to be the ‘character police.’
Good character develops from living with someone who exhibits good character. We learn it from the experience of a shared lifestyle. We as parents must seek to become what we want our kids to become. They learn from our actions, not our words.
Good character traits need to be talked about, defined and highlighted as worthy goals for our kids to aim for. When they fall short, it needs to be a learning moment, not a shameful conclusion. Grace, kindness and compassion needs to accompany the review of the ‘lack of character’ moment.
Our kids’ character is more important than their academic achievement. In fact, if they aim for good character, they naturally are more likely to do well in school. Research has shown that families that strive for achievement as #1, raise kids who aren’t concerned about others, and have a lack of compassion. This leads them to lack true friends, loneliness and emptiness and seeking unhealthy ways to cope, such as risky behavior and substance usage.
For all of us, living a life of personal honesty and concern for others will lead to true satisfaction that results from the positive difference we’ve made. I know I’m preaching to the choir, so consider this just a thoughtful reminder. Keep up the good work.
Dr. Greg Allen is a Licensed Therapist practicing in Palos Verdes Estates. (drgregallen.com). He is also the founder and director of Freedom4U, a non-profit that seeks to guide youth towards their life purpose and thereby reduce risky lifestyles. (freedomcommunity.com). His new non-profit Hearts Respond, focuses on supporting LA Harbor families in social-emotional and creative areas. (heartsrespond.com). Pen