Dear ER:
Re: “Loaded dogs,” ER letters, Nov. 4: thanks for the inspiration. Sorry, Edgar.
The Retriever
Once upon a midnight stillness,
Sleeping in such sweet contentment,
Bundled up in dreams
and stardust that I wore.
Then, suddenly there was a bashing
A pounding sound, as if a lashing,
Ripping me from reverie,
That no one could ignore.
Here I was in bleak November
Just one happy thing, remember
Praying for the sleep to savor,
The peacefulness right to the core.
This sound persisted, I resisted,
The rapping, lapping, yapping
Just outside my chamber door
To still the beating of my heart,
I stood repeating
T’is some visitor, entreating
Pounding, pounding, through the night
Was it banging, knocking, scratching,
Might I be in danger, what could it be
I must go forth to yet explore
Alas, the stark discovery!
It is that beast that lives next door
Barking, barking, like before
His owner is that damned Lenore!
Quiet, quiet, then I swore
Quoth the Retriever, ‘Nevermore’
His voice comes weeping like the fog
A sound as dense as city smog
His face in grimace like a hog
The insidious beast is creeping
His barking, seeping, seeping
Through the cracks within my door
All day long I have been waiting
Waiting for the sound I’m hating
I just go on anticipating
I can’t complete the simplest chore
Like a soldier in a war,
The silence you must restore
Quoth the Retriever, ‘Nevermore’
I turn and I can see his face,
His tennis balls all over the place
Get down, get down,
You’ll break my vase!
I run to grab my can of mace
To banish, banish from my space
Your barking I can take no more
Hairy, hideous beast from Hell
In the back yard where you dwell
Speak now if you be fiend or hound
Go now or I will call the pound
Leave no flea or clump of fur
There is none about you I adore
Panting like a burning furnace
Your golden glean yet to be seen
Retreating out my door
Take thou snout from out my heart
Round in circles, there you dart
Hark: Stop your pooping on my floor!
Quoth the Retriever, ‘Nevermore’
Mallory and Georgette Gantner
and Edgar Allen Pooch
