Dear Dr. Allen: Be a listener
A young adult woman once told me, that she liked coming to counseling because it was like ‘rent a friend.’ I have told that story often, and laughed. But, actually it’s tragic that we all don’t have safe family and friends to talk to and receive caring support from. I understand there is a place for serious mental health care. But, also there is a strong need for caring family and friends who will listen genuinely and confidentially.
Part of the reason there are so many mental health problems in our communities, is the lack of connection with those around us. There are many causes for this disconnect. I believe we need to reset our mind and heart towards one of availability, to those in need. Those in need are likely those we care the most about anyway. They are family members, relatives, neighbors, and colleagues as well as those we happen to connect with in our daily lives.
I suggest reading about ‘active listening.’ I’m sure many have heard about ‘active listening.’ The goal is not to just parrot back what you hear. The goal is to connect with the underlying heartfelt experience in the speaker. The person speaking to you will give you feedback as to whether you heard them correctly.
We often hear something different than what is being said, or we are waiting for the moment when we can express our reaction to the topic being discussed.
Instead, maybe pause, connect eye to eye, hear the heart and feelings as well as the words spoken. This will lead to a feeling of relaxation for the speaker and the listener. It will ground us and connect us better with each other.
Our culture, especially with technology distractions and addictions, has accepted minimal attention spans, instant stimulation episodes, which have led to severely disconnected relationships and lifestyles. This is especially true for youth and young adults. A likely result of this is increased depression, loneliness, isolation and anxiety.
Reestablishing natural human connections will reduce the negative symptoms that are present today in our communities.
Don’t let society, or technology, or the world cause a disruption, in the relationships you care the most about. Make the commitment to be a stable source of support. Let your heart feel and breath as you actively listen and connect with others, even if they are strangers.
For parents, I suggest checking in with your kids, teens and young adults about how they are doing. Stop yourself from reacting and telling them what to do. Just be a listener and allow them to hear their thoughts, feelings and sort their way through their struggles and challenges. It will mean a lot for them to know that your door is always open, if they need to talk.
May your relationships grow in depth, understanding and love!
Dr. Greg Allen is a Licensed Therapist practicing in Palos Verdes Estates. (drgregallen.com). He is also the founder and director of Freedom4U, a non-profit that seeks to guide youth towards their life purpose and thereby reduce risky lifestyles. (freedomcommunity.com). His new non-profit Hearts Respond, focuses on supporting LA Harbor families in social-emotional and creative areas. (heartsrespond.com)