Summer in the slammer: reflections on involuntary isolation in Manhattan Beach
All quiet on the waterfront. Photo
Warm weather and an empty beach proved too great a temptation for this longtime Manhattan Beach walk street resident
by Vance Scott
After being busted for being on the beach on the hottest spring day on record, I arrived at the Manhattan Beach jail in my Katin trunks and Reef flip-flops in the back of a black and white van, not unlike the courtesy shuttles used by the finest hotels to ferry their VIP guests. Except this one had bars on the windows. It was almost a relief not to be hauling all of the heavy beach gear and miscellaneous paraphernalia up my steep, walk street hill on this blistering hot day. Upon check-in, I was presented a pair of loose fitting but comfortable jeans and a long-sleeved denim shirt like the kind with the little polo pony embroidered on it that I paid $125 for back when they were popular.
The customary, complimentary white robe offered by most high-end resorts was not provided, but it was too hot for that, anyway. Happy hour was rapidly approaching and the only telephone call I was allowed to make was to Stan’s Liquors. Shortly, a bottle of Francis Ford Coppola’s vintage 1999 Russian River Valley Cabernet Sauvignon was delivered (90 points and an excellent choice, by the way. ) They even waived the corkage fee since I was required to transfer the wine into a safety-proof, plastic container (no glass or sharp objects are allowed inside the Manhattan Beach jail.) Drinking it from a plastic cup…no problem for me. I do it practically every night. (Tip: Even though I actually prefer a cool Chardonnay it’s best to order a red here since there’s no refrigerator or ice.)
The Cabernet paired perfectly with the California Deluxe Bacon Double Decker Cheeseburger with Guacamole, which arrived from the Kettle (not even the cops can afford to eat here). It was presented piping hot, juicy and medium rare, just the way I like it, compliments of California taxpayers. And, get this: there’s not even a delivery charge or fee and tipping isn’t allowed. (Inside these walls, tipping is considered a form of bribery.)
The word on the street is that the Manhattan Beach city jail is regarded as a kind of poor man’s Shade Hotel. It’s just down the street from Michael Zislis’ popular, luxury enclave of the rich and famous. When the door to the jail’s sally port is open and the salty breezes waft through the booking area, you can close your eyes and easily imagine you’re blissfully drifting through an afternoon massage at Shade’s day spa. Of course, the rooms here are slightly smaller, there’s less intimacy and the beds come only extra firm or rock hard.
The guy at the front desk is a little surly (but so was the guy at the Hilton where I recently stayed for $400 a night) and the front desk here is open 24/7 in case you need anything. Housekeeping and room service are a little, well, meh. But there’s still an awful lot to like here. In many ways this place reminds me of Hotel California. You can check out anytime you want. But you can never leave. Or you just can’t leave before your scheduled date of departure.
During social hour I got to meet the guy in the next room, err, cell. A homeless dude from Venice. He’s what they refer to as a “frequent flier,” a chronic return customer who revisits regularly as if returning to his favorite destination resort. He told me he’s usually in here for some petty misdemeanors…like peeing in public.. This time it was for walking on The Strand. He tells me he didn’t know walking on the strand was even an offense. “Hell,” he says, “Folks been doin’ that forever. If I knew it was a crime I would’ve been walkin’ The Strand anytime I was feelin’ really hungry but didn’t have to piss.”
The next morning a complimentary breakfast was delivered from famous Bill’s Pancake Cottage across the street (unlike the stale croissants served at Shade’s Continental breakfast.) The bacon and cheddar waffle was delicious and highly recommended. In fact, if I had known that, as a teen, I could get a free Bill’s breakfast following a surf session at 18th Street I would have been going to jail years ago.
Quite frankly, I think the MB jail is highly underrated and hugely undervalued. It’s regrettable that the city has an ordinance banning short-term rentals because the city should be offering it’s jailhouse suites on Airbnb. Consider the potential revenue stream to the city, especially during the popular summer season. I say the city is missing a real opportunity here. Maybe with this new windfall the city could afford to suspend issuing those thousand dollar citations to its beach loving citizens.
If I had to review the Manhattan Beach jail on Yelp, I’d give it a solid four rating. And If it had even a partial ocean view… even a peek-a-boo glimpse as the Realtors say… I’d give it a definite five. ER