Rock n’ roll’s bastard child
Elviss Simmons and a genetic experiment gone awry
Elviss Simmons and the Memphis Strutters play Brixton Friday night.
He was born, so the story goes, after a drunken argument in a Vegas casino between rogue scientists over genetic theory and music. They decided to test their theories and simultaneously save rock and roll, obtaining a sweaty tossed scarf from an Elvis show at the International Hotel and some unspecified genetic sample from Kiss’s bass player.
The samples were suspended in a nutritive solution and placed in an incubator; the creation floated and fed on beer and liquefied pizza and was officially born 12 hours later: the world’s first genetically engineered rock star.
The child seemed normal, except for a few odd details: less than 24 hours after conception, he was 3 feet tall, possessed a pompadour, and had a birthmark that looked suspiciously like Gene Simmons’ batwings around his eyes.
The senior scientists were troubled by the theological implications of what they’d done. The word demon came up. The younger scientists were untroubled. They gave Elviss his first guitar.
And now, almost 40 years later, Elviss Simmons is at the head of an even more unusual entity: an eleven piece rock band that features four horns, three backup singers, guitar, bass, drums, and “the fat boy” at stage center – or so Elviss is bitterly described by his long-suffering musical director, Gary Spinrad.
Spinrad had offered a brief interview with Elviss himself, but this reporter was a little bit frightened by the prospect – Elviss is known for his fairly random acts of violence, on stage and off – and at any rate he wasn’t keen on the prospect.
“The problem is Elviss is pretty incoherent most of the time,” Spinrad said. “I’ve been trying to get him properly medicated for an interview but he’s still talking to the giant talking cactus over there, so it probably hasn’t kicked in yet.”
Spinrad, however, agreed to talk a little bit about life on the road with Elviss. It’s not an easy life.
ER: So there is an interesting band dynamic between Elviss and the band, right?
Spinrad: You mean the fact that we hate him? Yeah. The fact is the guy is a real pain in the ass. He’s always getting us in trouble. I don’t care if he gets into trouble but somehow he manages to drag us all down with him. It’s just frustrating. I guess it’s what you pay for. We know we got something good here, but there is always a downside, and it’s him.
ER: What’s an example of how he has gotten you in trouble?
Spinrad: Let’s put it this way – a couple of times the reason he got to the gig on time is because he told the cop the stuff was mine. Yeah, that pissed me off, but I got there, they said the gig was good and my record is really shorter than his, so I guess it all works out.
ER: Any surreal aspects aside, the band is really hot.
Spinrad: Well, that is one of the best parts. I was tasked with being the musical director for this thing, and well, we have a giant liability in the dead center of the stage, so I needed to stack the rest of it. I mean, we’ve got some hard core pros in this band.
ER: I sense a little bitterness, in terms of your relationship with Elviss.
Spinrad: He’s a pain in the ass, what do you want. The problem is he can really sing. He puts on a good show. You just got to pick your battles with the guy.
ER: I would imagine he must have a strange appetite.
Spinrad: Yes and no. It’s odd. You put some stuff, like the nice cheese platter they put out for us at Brixton, he won’t touch it. But he’ll start rooting through the garbage out back because he smells something fishy. I can’t put my finger on it. And god knows the man can smell narcotics for miles. He’s like a bear for drugs. That said, none of us can have anything on us for that reason.
ER: Right. Well, it keeps the band clean then.
Spinrad: Yeah, that’s another pain in the ass. There was that one time, and that was pretty much that. He’s alarmingly fast for such a fat guy.
ER: The Elvis-Kiss musical dichotomy – it seems to work.
Spinrad: The funny thing about it is we realized early on if you look at the late ‘70s Elvis and the late ‘70s Kiss, those were pretty similar shows. It was all about the big show, the big explosions, a lot of big body movements. And if you look at the ‘68 comeback special, there is Elvis’s name in lights in the back of the stage. And if you look at any Kiss show ever, there is Kiss’s name in the lights in the back of the stage. That is why this is neat, because they are very similar.
ER: I see that you do some corporate gigs sometimes. There must have been some disasters there.
Spinrad: There have been a few people who have lost their jobs over that. You know, I really feel bad because they are nice people and they were trying to put on a great show. And well, the fact is Elviss did put on a great show, he always does, but then afterwards things went to shit pretty fast. He got into the cash bar – without the cash, of course – and I think it was the VP of marketing who went into the bay. I don’t’ remember exactly. There was a lot of yelling. There are a couple of yacht clubs we can’t go back to for that very reason. And then the sirens started coming, and poof, he has vanished. Two hours later we get a police report that he is Tulsa. I have no idea how he moves that fast.
ER: Elviss moves in mysterious ways.
Spinrad: He really does. And the thing is, we actually track him through Facebook posts and police blotter reports. We’ve learned to kind of see what the police are saying on the scanners. Yeah that is him – a guy up a tree, throwing fish, okay, that is him. Where is he?
ER: Elviss, with his genetic heritage, must have a big tongue.
Spinrad: Oh yeah, he’s got it.
ER: And he knows how to use it, I presume.
Spinrad: According to a couple of restraining orders, yes. I’ve just seen him stick it out on stage. But that kind of stuff usually comes to me in the form of a police report of some sort.
ER: There must be occasional tender moments with Elviss. It must not be all strife, right? Do you ever get a little window into Elviss’s soul and see the troubled child inside?
Spinrad: (long pause). No, not once. I was trying to think, maybe one time he got drunk and opened up. No, he’s a mean drunk. Okay, maybe he got a real crappy ton of downers. No, he just finds uppers. It just doesn’t happen. Just ride it out.
For more information, see www.Elvisssimmons.com. Elvis Simmons and the Memphis Strutters play Brixton on Sept. 10. Also on the bill is Dread Zeppelin. See www.brixtonsouthbay.com for tickets. ER