Dear Dr. Allen: Someone to listen to
Who is a person in your life that you can talk to? Is there someone who is understanding, kind, safe and trustworthy?
There is a deep desire in us to seek a trusting connection with someone. Adults and teens have always had a challenge finding safe communication. We seek to avoid gossip, rumors, and bullying, as we search for people we can trust.
For adults and teens. How can we be a safe person to connect with?
Listen: Listening is loving. Listening shows compassion. Can your kids talk to you? As parents, we have to not react out of our fear, anxiety, or control. And ideally, become a safe place for our kids to brainstorm ideas, choices, options, and possible consequences of the multitude of decisions they are faced with every day.
This desire for a safe place to communicate applies to our spouse/partner. Can you become someone they feel safe talking to you? Can you be someone who gives time to listen. Many people don’t make eye contact while they are listening. Kid’s get used to talking to the back of the parent while the parent is washing dishes or doing a task. That’s not good. We need to slow down, stop and give those in our lives that we care about some of our time, attention and focus.
It is recommended that we set aside our tasks. Set a time aside when you’re gonna check in with each other. A period of time that won’t be interrupted. In that time, listen as the other person expresses their fears, and concerns, as well as hopes and dreams for their relationships, school/work, and communities. Many times we want to give solutions to someone’s concerns when what the person really needs is someone to just listen to them as they share their heart.
Let Go: Often anxiety and depression comes from stored up emotions. We are like a sponge in that we absorb feelings from what we see and hear in our lives. This could be things people say, or do or things we observe on TV/internet. We need to let go of our reactions. This needs to be done daily. Consider at the end of the day letting go of all the things that have captured our focus and attention and emotions on that day. Just spend a few moments breathing out and letting them go. Some people let them go to something such as the universe, a higher power, or God, but the main thing is to let go. Probably one of the greatest psychological skills anybody can learn in their lifetime is to let go. Sometimes the skill of letting go needs to be done momentarily, right after we have had a big reaction to something. The goal is to prevent feelings and thoughts from building up inside of us, leading to distress. Our body, mind and spirit live lighter.
Make a decision with those who are near and dear to you to schedule a time to connect with each other. In that time, give your patience, care and concern to support and affirm each other’s heart and thereby increase the trust in your relationships.
Dr. Greg Allen is a Licensed Therapist practicing in Palos Verdes Estates and San Pedro. (drgregallen.com). He is also the founder and director of Freedom4U, a non-profit that seeks to guide youth towards their life purpose and thereby reduce risky lifestyles. (freedomcommunity.com). He also directs the non-profit Hearts Respond, seeking to unite communities to improve LA Harbor families. (heartsrespond.com).
Freedom4U & Hearts Respond provide after-school services for middle and high school students in San Pedro to socialize, do homework, receive tutoring and become leaders. Pen